Doctor, Doctor!

July 28, 2009 at 10:53 5 comments

The head nurse of my main ward was slightly upset when I told her my opinion that some nurses of certain wards are of cannot-make-it calibre. But it’s true. The ones in my main ward are generally OK despite being relative greenhorns. They have an acceptable average level of intelligence, integrity and diligence, with an outstanding one here and there. On the other hand, some staff in other wards really make me want to bang my head against the wall. I tell myself that there is no point in sacrificing my noggin like that. If I used their heads to smack the wall instead, the building would crumble.

Example.

(Phone rings)

Me: Hello.

Nurse: Hello, Dr. Katie. This is staff from Long-Stay Ward Pee-A-Lot. Do you think you could come and conduct an urgent multidisciplinary ward round with the medical officer, nursing staff and pharmacist? This afternoon?

Me: (thinks: that would be the equivalent of chartering an emergency jet plane to buy groceries for tonight’s dinner) Huh? Why?

Nurse: We want to convert all the patients on Valiant tablets to Valiant syrup.

Me: Huh? Why?

Nurse: Because we had one patient who nearly choked on a Valiant tablet.

Me: Oh? When? No one told me.

Nurse: Last year, before this ward came under you…

Me: (moment of disorientation – this is late July, right?) Okayyyy…

Nurse: … so there was an enquiry, and now we have to think of ways to prevent further near-choking incidents, so I thought we should change his Valiant tablets to syrup form. Then I thought we should also convert everybody on Valiant tablets to syrup. That’s fifteen patients. That’s why we need you to do a multidisciplinary round for everyone to institute the changes.

Me: Whoa, wait wait. This patient who nearly choked – was he only on Valiant tablets?

Nurse: No, he’s also on Fluent tablets, Hallucinate tablets, Chlorophyll tablets, Di…

Me: Uhhh… so you’re telling me that putting him on Valiant syrup plus ten other tablets will prevent him from choking on tablets?

Nurse: Well, it was Valiant that he nearly choked on.

Me: And the other fourteen patients? I suppose they’re on lots of other meds too? For which there is no syrup form?

Nurse: Yeah…

Me: So how does converting them to Valiant syrup make sense?

Nurse: Well, true, it doesn’t… but there was an enquiry. We have to do something!  

Me: (sighs) OK, fine. If there HAS to be a change, I have no objection to this one patient being converted to syrup form. Leave the other patients alone. No multidisciplinary round. Just get the medical officer to convert the Valiant to syrup form at the same dose.

Then came the clincher.

Nurse: But Dr. Katie, Valiant syrup is very expensive, you know. Are you sure you want this patient to be on syrup instead of tablets?

Good grief. No amount of bonus is gonna compensate me for the brain cells that died during this conversation.

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Entry filed under: Dear Diary. Tags: , .

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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. wedoryn  |  July 28, 2009 at 11:39

    I always thought your patients would be irritatingly fun to hear about. Now that the staff in your place are air-heads too… well, lol

    Reply
  • 2. Monty  |  July 29, 2009 at 04:52

    and people wonder why I am nasty to some nurses.

    Reply
  • 3. kel  |  August 2, 2009 at 01:37

    she win!

    Reply
  • 4. Jude Mustard  |  September 22, 2009 at 21:03

    ROTFLMAO! This is utterly brilliant. Just when I thought I’d seen it all (when I got a call at 3am to inform me that the patient’s serum urea level was low…) You win.

    Reply
    • 5. Katie  |  September 24, 2009 at 00:32

      Good one! I also had a friend who was once woken up at 0430 with the message, “Doc, forgot to inform you earlier, we did a pre-bedtime hypocount for this patient and it was normal.” Murder was that close to being committed.

      Reply

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Welcome to my blog!


My blog-name is Katie but I will not respond if you call me that in real life because it's not my real name. Yes, I do practise virtual-world paranoia. No, I do not enjoy stalkers. But I do enjoy writing and having folks reading said writing, so welcome to my world. It's nice to meet you.

Playing in my head over and over again argh

I'll Have To Say I Love You In A Song (Jim Croce)

Book(s) of the moment

Hogfather (Terry Pratchett)

Books read in 2010 and 2011

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (JK Rowling) - 'cos the movie's coming out!
Frankenstein: Lost Souls (Dean Koontz) - ah, bugger, it's part of a series! Now I hafta find all the books...
Dismantled (Jennifer McMahon) - oh, good one
Tigerlily's Orchids (Ruth Rendell)
Shutter Island (Dennis LeHane) - reminds me too much of work
Holy Fools (Joanne Harris) - it's official: I prefer her scary books
A Series of Unfortunate Events; The Unauthorized Autobiography; The Beatrice Letters (Lemony Snicket)
The Little Friend (Donna Tartt)
The main books - 11 so far - of the Southern Vampire series; the Aurora Teagarden series except for A Fool & His Honey - that makes it 7; Sweet & Deadly (Charlaine Harris)
The Woman in Black (Susan Hill)
Full Dark, No Stars (Stephen King)
Room: A Novel (Emma Donaghue)
Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children (Ransom Riggs)
The Bachman Books (Stephen King)
Men At Arms (Terry Pratchett)
Carpe Jugulum (Terry Pratchett)
The Fifth Elephant (Terry Pratchett)
Beauty (Robin McKinley)
The Sandman, Vol 1 (Neil Gaiman)
The Burden (Agatha Christie) - her crime novels are waaay better
Snuff (Terry Pratchett)

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I started my first photoblog on 3 May, 2009. Each post features one picture, with a little story of how it came about. Do take a look by clicking on: Manx Pictures
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Disclaimers: 1) I cannot help but bitch about work sometimes, but everything here comes under the realm of personal remarks, and nothing here is said in my professional capacity. Nor does anything here reflect the opinion of the institutions that employ me. This is just me shooting off. 2) Most identities have been anonymized, particularly those of folks I know on a personal basis. Same goes for my workplaces. However, commercial and public places and figures remain named. Otherwise some things just wouldn't make sense. 3) Links and sources have been provided where appropriate and possible. They are not meant to challenge anyone's ownership. If this causes any discomfort or offence, please let me know.

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