Planning & Plotting

July 8, 2009 at 18:51 5 comments

On Monday, I received an informal offer to join Baba Farm after I complete my training. Is it that obvious I’m not entirely jubilant about being where I am? It’s true that this has been a bit of a Murphy’s Law Fortnight thus far, and my stress/anger levels are flying off the charts. I told my offerer so, and in return, he told me frankly that there had to be both push and pull factors in determining where I went. I agree wholeheartedly. There are so many push factors here now that I have to sit and think about the pull factors that would be strong enough to make me leave. 

The main pull factor, I think, is very simple. I want to plant my roots in a place where I can make a difference. Not somewhere that people on top tell me to do this now or do that now, then forget about me unless I cease to follow the unwritten instructions to the letter, and whatever work I do gets lost in the cesspits, and I’m told at the end that I’m mediocre because I didn’t make myself heard. Not somewhere that allows one department to farm out its work to everyone else, then reciprocates by telling everyone that they suck. Not somewhere that I ride on the wings of birds louder and more colourful than myself. ClosetRocker’s counsel is to stay in the biggest place, so as to create the largest impact. But I have never been a big-place person. I get lost.  

Oh yeah. Pull factors.

I’d like to do more research, like I did at Buffalo Farm. There’s always data to do research on, but time, support and resources are also essential. I wouldn’t mind learning how to start a clinical service, provided there’s support and clinical impact. I do have a subspecialty interest, but there are still many avenues within that I am willing to explore. Bottomline is, I’m not afraid of having to do work. I can work well and efficiently, and even happily, given the right environment. But if the work I do is shat and stepped upon, the way it is here, then there will come a point when enough is enough.

Pull factors. Right.

It would also be nice to know that I’m wanted somewhere because I’m me. It’s pretty big-headed of me, but it’s nice when a consultant asks what my interest is and how that might fit into their unit. That opens up the possibility that my professional life may create some new niche that helps people I want to help, that makes new scientific findings, that inspires the ones who will come after me. That’s very different from being treated like another statistic, and being told that my grade (and therefore salary) depends on what my nurses say to my boss about me.

Yes, I know. Pull factors. Heh.

Of course, I’m not being entirely fair to the Fruit Farm in my frustration. It gave me my start in this specialty and I found friends that I hope will last a lifetime. I do receive bonuses and conference trips. No one is being actively mean or manipulative toward me.

But I’m not happy here, the way I was a few years back. I’m sorry that I feel this way, because my mind whispers “quitter” and “ship-jumper”, and I can’t exactly refute it. But when I ask myself, the way I do every week, whether I want to stay, the answer, so far, has always been no.



Entry filed under: Dear Diary. Tags: .

Michael Jackson: Gone Too Soon? Randomness

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. zensojourner  |  July 9, 2009 at 20:49

    “quitter” and “ship-jumper” implies a relationship and a certain amount of reciprocal attachment.

    My counsel would be not to listen to too many people or be influenced by events. Many of these things are ephemeral and are just chaff. Try to see what is true and walk your own road.

    Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
    And sorry I could not travel both
    And be one traveller, long I stood
    And looked down one as far as I could
    To where it bent in the undergrowth;

    Then took the other, as just as fair,
    And having perhaps the better claim,
    Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
    Though as for that the passing there
    Had worn them really about the same,

    And both that morning equally lay
    In leaves no step had trodden black.
    Oh, I kept the first for another day!
    Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
    I doubted if I should ever come back.

    I shall be telling this with a sigh
    Somewhere ages and ages hence:
    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
    I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference

    …Robert Frost

    • 2. Katie  |  July 10, 2009 at 15:46

      That’s a lovely way of putting this very prosaic problem. My favourite lines are not the last two, but the ones that go “Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back”. I am indeed inclined to look at it from this point of view, but also do feel a little silly for romanticizing and sentimentalizing it. Think many people would laugh at me for feeling torn/bad. I do feel bad. Well. I’m still giving myself till the end of the year to really decide. Miss your counsel.

  • 3. Kick Ass Farmer  |  July 11, 2009 at 16:06

    Not to mention that the Most Kick Ass Farmer will be moving on to Fruit Orchard :p

    • 4. Katie  |  July 12, 2009 at 10:30

      I don’t suppose the Kick Ass Farmer would like to bring some Kick Ass Fruit Green Manure over to fertilize his new trees? :)

  • 5. Kick Ass Farmer  |  July 12, 2009 at 15:43

    There is a time and place for everything. When the seedlings have grown bigger and the plot has expanded. Fertiliser would have evolved to full fledged farmer, then you may come :)


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Welcome to my blog!

My blog-name is Katie but I will not respond if you call me that in real life because it's not my real name. Yes, I do practise virtual-world paranoia. No, I do not enjoy stalkers. But I do enjoy writing and having folks reading said writing, so welcome to my world. It's nice to meet you.

Playing in my head over and over again argh

I'll Have To Say I Love You In A Song (Jim Croce)

Book(s) of the moment

Hogfather (Terry Pratchett)

Books read in 2010 and 2011

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (JK Rowling) - 'cos the movie's coming out!
Frankenstein: Lost Souls (Dean Koontz) - ah, bugger, it's part of a series! Now I hafta find all the books...
Dismantled (Jennifer McMahon) - oh, good one
Tigerlily's Orchids (Ruth Rendell)
Shutter Island (Dennis LeHane) - reminds me too much of work
Holy Fools (Joanne Harris) - it's official: I prefer her scary books
A Series of Unfortunate Events; The Unauthorized Autobiography; The Beatrice Letters (Lemony Snicket)
The Little Friend (Donna Tartt)
The main books - 11 so far - of the Southern Vampire series; the Aurora Teagarden series except for A Fool & His Honey - that makes it 7; Sweet & Deadly (Charlaine Harris)
The Woman in Black (Susan Hill)
Full Dark, No Stars (Stephen King)
Room: A Novel (Emma Donaghue)
Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children (Ransom Riggs)
The Bachman Books (Stephen King)
Men At Arms (Terry Pratchett)
Carpe Jugulum (Terry Pratchett)
The Fifth Elephant (Terry Pratchett)
Beauty (Robin McKinley)
The Sandman, Vol 1 (Neil Gaiman)
The Burden (Agatha Christie) - her crime novels are waaay better
Snuff (Terry Pratchett)

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I started my first photoblog on 3 May, 2009. Each post features one picture, with a little story of how it came about. Do take a look by clicking on: Manx Pictures
July 2009
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